Sometimes life genuinely kicks you in the A$$.

 

Today life sent me a nice big one that went from my butt up into my heart.

 

And made my heart bleed so much that now I need a heart transplant.

 

Actually, life sent me two. In one day.

 

But that's life.

 

I'm not the lucky one. Well, yet...

 

I'm getting luckier by the minute.

 

I just hate lies though.

 

Lies lies lies lies....

 

Sometimes honesty would be nice.

 

I genuinely love human nature though. It's insane.

 

One minute you can hate everything.

 

The next.... you're in love with every molecule on earth.

 

I'm bi-polar.

 

I do have to say that I'm a bit sad.

 

But not as much as I thought I'd be.

 

I mean really, who didn't expect what happened?

 

I expected it a year ago.

 

So I confirmed it.

 

And it sucked.

 

But if anything at least I can argue with myself in the mirror and say:

 

"I TOLD YOU SO!"

 

So screw love, and boys, other girls, and dating.

 

Screw it all, and screw me over again, Love.

 

Love really loves to screw me over.

 

Well, that's part of life.

 

I need this vacation.

 

I need to go on a date with someone new.

 

I need.... everything that's missing.

 

I need.... time and space,

 

Because I mean it when I say it's ok.

 

I mean what I say,

 

And I'm not mad.

 

I'm just any typical teenager feeling the way any teenager would after something like this.

 

I'm just me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have finally come to the conclusion that I love him. There's no doubt about it. It's real, crazy, head-over-heels- I want to know you forever- let's stay up all night talking- you make me laugh- i think about you all the time-LOVE.

 

Conclusion #2: I'm SO screwed.

 

I mean no matter what, I'll always love him. Even if I start going out with someone else, or if I just see him as a friend, the love will still be there. Always. After what seems like forever, it just came back. Again. We go way back. Years.

It's bittersweet.

 

Actually, sometimes I just feel bitter. I really wish....

 

I guess I'm just not what he's looking for.

 

 

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All-Region tryouts Sat. OMG. <KillME> Boo. So yeah. 12 bassoons trying out.  That's a lot for bassoon. Wish me luck. FUetude#1. Yousuckandarewaytoohard.

 

I <3 take3bluepills.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay. Dinner = bowl of watermelon and 1 1/2.krispy kreme

 

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I look at you, and you touch my hair. You touch my face. You've never done that before. You told me my hair looked pretty. You've never done that before either.

 

I got out of the truck, and you walked towards me. We just stood there. Do you look at everyone else the way you look at me?

Your eyes say it all. Will they ever say it to me?

 

I'm tired of hearing all about it. All about the two of you. You're only sloppy seconds to her, and to me you're it. I hate the way she can just drop you like a stone, and then pick you up again when she feels like it. You're only another rock on a very rocky road she's still traveling.

And to me.... you're that star in the sky that I'll never own.

 

Do the math.

 

you = <3

 

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And as for him. The other one. OMG. I'm crazy.

 

Today was okay. The best part was going to Hobby Lobby with Sam and Shaw. We bought the material for the capes and they make me laugh so much.

 

+ It rained all last night.
- I was ADD in all my classes, so I don't really remember them.
- I felt secluded and lonely this morning. I'm surrounded by people, and sometimes I'm still all alone.

+ Tomorrow is Geoff's bday. big 18. party at his house. i'm probably spending the night, and then going downtown with Sam.
+ I saw 2 rainbows today.
- I got in a fight with my mom and wasted an hour and a half of my life by myself in the cold after being an idiot and getting out of the car somewhere in the lower valley.
+ Vega finally sent the show shirts to be made.
+ I didn't have to jump Vega like I told him I would if we didn't get shirts this year.
- Region music.
+ UIL we got a 1.

- We really didn't deserve it.

 

 

I'm so busy. If it isn't scholarship deadlines of FAFSA, it's SAT's or ACT's or UIL or senior night and band booster meetings. I hate you financial aid paperwork. Yet, you will probably help me get through college. Such sweet irony.

 

Anyway, we have 46 seniors this year. Whoa. Yeah. We have to make the capes now. Geez Louise. I have no break. This vacation was so busy too. Even though practice didn't go past 12, the days went by so fast. I don't even remember what I did. I got a really nice tan on my legs though.

 

I took the SAT's today at Bel Air. I murdered it and buried it in the desert. Seriously, I think I did good. I sucked at the ACT's. I thought I wasn't going to college after taking the ACT's.

 

Hmmm.... I don't want to go back to school. I want to stay home and sleep. I didn't sleep very much. I'm so sad. I wanted to sleep so much. Sleep.... hmmmm... now that I think about it, why am I still up?

 

good night. I'm going to sleep.   

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i'm learning to be patient and wait. i feel so calm and yet my heart races wildly though no one can see, or maybe everyone can and they are just  being kind and not bringing it up anymore

 

i really am blind and delusional. i over analyze everything and i'm obessesive and compulsive and i feel the need to wash my hands every five minutes.

 

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if 70% of communication is body language, why don't you understand that my body is telling you that i want us to be together and that i will accept you in whatever form you will come in. and why is is that you're such a closed-off and emotion-less freak who only uses 1% of body language? i can never tell with you, and it frustrates me. and honestly i don't give a damn anymore.

 

to tell you the truth, i'm in it for the ride, and for the chance that maybe you'll wake up one of these days.

I haven't updated in a zillion years.

 

The past few weeks have been so random. Random and lazy and busy all at the same time. I've been hanging out with random people.

 

I went camping this past weekend with my whole family including aunts,uncles, cousins, etc.            It was fun, but I always feel so dirty. When we got back I was singing because I was so happy to see a real toilet and my own shower and my bed and carpet and stuff that was not covered in dirt or mud or grass. I showered ( the best shower of my life) and then put on lotion all over my dry, tired body. It was great.

 

I went to Melissa's house so she could help me with my baritone. Her mom made us pancakes and good food. We put on make-up and played with her computer and her piano and her gerbil. We watched "Made" and laughed a lot. Then we went to Barnes&Noble and it was fun. I  Melissa.

 

I am leaving for California tomorrow for about a week. We're going to hit up Disneyland and stuff. fun fun fun. I'm tired though. I don't know why. I feel exhausted. Is it mental? It is just me? I can't tell.

 

As soon as I come back there will be music camp for the incoming freshies and then di camp and then fun-damentals (hah, a pun) and whatnot. My job will come into play and I'll be busy and I will love it. Sampon is excited too. I also  Sampon.

 

I've been very artsy and crafty this summer. I decorated my walkman and made a purse and decorated some flip flops and made earrings and stuff. So yeah. I have nothing else to say.

 

I miss you guys, 'specially you Celest.

 

Take care.

 

so yeah.. everytime we go out on vacation i always have to be sick the first week... it's like tradition or something... i'm just waiting to get well so that I go out and have some fun.

 

well, the last day of school pretty much sucked. the day before was fun. but yeah, the last day sucked a lot. I didn't even go anywhere because I fell asleep and I woke up and it was dark and too late to go anywhere according to my parents. I didn't go to graduation because my mom said there was no reason to go if I wasn't playing. So I went to my grandpas house because my grandma decided to make food because my grandpa turned 70 the week before, which was a lot of fun.

 

State was fun, but it sucked cause I was sick. I didn't even ride all the roller coasters because I was feeling so bad. The mall was the most fun for me. I bought a lot of stuff. But nonetheless, it still was a whole lot of fun. We hid perla's bras and underwear, and she switched mine and laura's stuff. We also watched oxygen for a while so we could laugh at sue johanson with all the other guys that came and hung out in our room. it was disturbing. after a while the guys started leaving one by one because they felt "uncomfortable" but we all though maybe there was another reason which we couldn't quite figure out.

 

so yeah. i'm just waiting to feel better, because there are a million reasons to be out and about and none to stay in and waste one of my last summers of familiarity. i have just been vegging out these past two days trying to rest and watching star wars.

 

by the way, i love all you guys. take care and be safe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I see you.... I feel  and I wannaat the top of my  because i'm still not over you... and even though so much  has passed, i still feel like i you so much... and when our  meet.... i feel like i might just sink the bottom of the  forever.

 

Can't you see??? You own my .